Question:“My husband really doesn’t like when I cry (if it does not concern physical pain or something unusual happened bad), for example, when I cry because I don’t have enough variety in life (I’m sitting with a child of 2.6 years old ) that the husband does not do the thing that I asked him to do in the apartment or doesn’t go out with us for 2 months (he says, why should two parents walk with their child if one of them can do something else at that time - his case is a computer).
In general, I sometimes catch myself thinking: well, why am I crying now (tears are rolling), because the standard situation is, you don’t need to cry. For example, I almost always watch films with tears (not bitterly, but rolls, sometimes I pay directly) and with a bad ending, and a film where they show the careful and tender feelings of mother and child. Sometimes, when I look in the street, how some mother sincerely kisses her little child. Today here, listening to the poems on the dead and on the unfortunate fate of those people at a holiday dedicated to May 9.
I myself know that I am sentimental, but not to the same degree - I can’t hold back my tears and that’s all, even with my husband. How to do it?"
It seemed to me that you are combining two different problem situations into one. The first is your sentimentality and tendency to express emotions with tears. The second is tears in those situations that cause the husband's chagrin.
All these situations are unpleasant for the husband, and the tears here are most likely perceived by him not just as tears, but as your last argument in order to convince him.
Does your husband express disappointment or dislike when you cry over a sad movie or are touched on the street by someone’s tender relationship? Is the expression of these unpleasant feelings the same in both cases (the first, when tears are associated with actions, the second, when not connected)?
Well, let's talk about the laws of excessive sentimentality. High sensitivity to the experiences of literary heroes, to situations that do not involve intense emotional involvement, I think can be called unnecessary, especially considering that it interferes with all three participants in our work.
Statistically, such a phenomenon as excessive sentimentality begins to manifest itself sharply and interferes with ordinary life when contact with the world of feelings is broken. For example, when for some reason you have to suppress your feelings for a long time. If the family has a seriously ill person and it is necessary to restrain grief in his presence. Or an emotional girl creates a family with a phlegmatic, low-emotional person who considers the manifestation of feelings as weakness, unnecessary calf tenderness ... And then, to be adopted by such a man and his family, a woman has to suppress her feelings for a long time.
But they cannot be suppressed for a long time, so they find a way out either in psychosomatics (often this is hypertension) or in sentimentality, where feelings are more or less acceptable to express. Such situations become like a valve for feelings - the more feelings are crushed, the more often a valve is needed, the more uncontrollable sentimental tears become.
Here we leave out the situations where tears become a lever of influence on the husband, an argument in their favor.
We will continue to work with emotions, with their identification and recognition of their place in everyday life. If emotions can be expressed rather than suppressed at the time of appearance, they don’t have much need to accumulate and pour out then when watching a movie or listening to news.
So, exercise firste. We call it conditionally: “Stop, a moment!” During the day several times (the more the better), at least 10, when you have a couple of minutes of free time, you say: “Stop! What am I feeling right now? ”And mentally sort through the feelings that are currently available. It’s good if you manage to be so attentive to yourself that it’s possible to delve into and identify even the small shades and nuances of the perceived state.
Exercise two. Pay attention, how many words denoting feelings do you use in everyday speech? As a rule, an average of 10-15 is obtained, it is necessary to double this number in 10 days, which will be necessary to perform these exercises.
Exercise Three. Empathic conjectures are conjectures about how people around feel. If you ride in transport, you can, by glancing briefly at fellow travelers, dream up about how they feel. You can cherish about your loved ones, you can try with your household and get feedback on how accurate your guesses were. Children of older preschool age can already be involved in the game of empathic conjecture - it will only be useful. Both you and the child - your vocabulary of feelings and the child will expand on the background of an interesting pastime.
An intermediate result of the implementation of these exercises will be summed up after 10 days of mandatory daily execution. It will become evident that it changes as feelings get permission to be present in life legally.
Get rid of guilt
People often store things not because of love or nostalgia, but because of guilt. And guilt is a completely useless emotion (unless, of course, you feel guilty because you lied, cheated, or robbed a bank). Do not give in to guilt when assessing sentimental disorder, you may legally feel unwell due to a situation or relationship, but you will not correct this by holding in your hands the disgusting lamp of your cousin.
Save virtual memory
When working with documents or photographs, assuming that you do not need the originals, scan and save them - of course, make backup copies, not pack them. Three-dimensional objects can also be practically saved. You won’t need all your children’s old toys if you have photographs on which they play, and you can photograph the furniture of your grandparents to remember what it looked like, without physically storing chairs and tables that you will never use .
Compromise on another's mess
If you live with a pack that has a tendency to accumulate, forcing them to get rid of their things will not end well. Instead, try to compromise. Perhaps they can have one room that they can fill as they please, while the common parts of the house remain free from interference. Perhaps you will agree to show some significant items in exchange for distributing the rest. Over time, when you let go of your own mess, you can inspire others. People get used to a neat and tidy house and want to maintain it.
Donate important items
If you received a collection of documents and photographs after the death of a relative, you may feel obligated to treat it with special respect, even if you do not want to. Depending on who the person was, when and where he lived, the collection may be of value to the archive or museum of local lore. Don't just dump your mess on an unsuspecting organization, but do a research to find out if such items can be welcomed by them.
Remodel, remodel, recycle
To keep in touch with an unusable item, create something new that retains its sentimental value. A stone from a dated ring can be rebuilt into a strip that more suits your style, and a board from a chest of drawers that does not fit your apartment can be turned into a floating shelf.
Keep one of the beam
My grandmother had a cornucopia of fake fruit. When my mother finished with this and related memories, she did not want to just give it away. In the end, she found the perfect solution: keep one false lemon. Choosing one or two memory items to represent a collection, person, or era can allow you to leave the rest.
If you are torn between throwing a sentimental object and keeping it in your house forever, remember that there is a third option: give it to someone who really needs it. Maybe you even have a friend who really uses and appreciates this item - so you can be sure that he will be in a good house.
No, don’t go out and buy a bunch of scrapbooking tools and needlework materials. Just grab a simple, unlined notebook and sticky pencil. Then start gluing any paper or drawings that you want to save. You can record in columns, record notes, etc. This is a good way to save memory without taking up too much space. Think of it as a children's book for adults.